Tuesday, September 14

What I want to be when I grow up...

Call me ridiculous, but there was a part of this most recent Twilight movie that I actually thought was quite profound: the graduation speech.  Here’s what the valedictorian said in the movie Eclipse
When we were five, they asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. Our answers were thing like astronaut, president, or in my case, princess. When we were ten, they asked again and we answered rock star, cowboy, or in my case, gold medalist. But now that we've grown up, they want a serious answer. Well, how about this: who the hell knows?! This isn't the time to make hard and fast decisions; it's time to make mistakes. Take the wrong train and get stuck somewhere chill. Fall in love - a lot. Major in philosophy because there's no way to make a career out of that. Change your mind. Then change it again, because nothing is permanent. So make as many mistakes as you can. That way, someday, when they ask again what we want to be… we won't have to guess. We'll know.

I love it, but I think Jessica’s speech writer missed a crucial point. As far as I’m concerned, the “someday” never comes. When is this supposed moment in your life when you’re suddenly Grown Up and you’re supposed to BE someone?? Maybe it happens for some people, but not me. I have always been someone.

I was born a daughter and a sister. I quickly became an adorable, quiet little kid (there are videos to prove it). Then I was a friend, then an emotionally irrational young girl, then a Christian. I progressed to musician, to new student, to good student, to bad student, to actress, to leader, to child care provider, to director, to college student, to stage manager, to stressed-out individual, to a lost nobody, to somebody rebuilding her life, to emotionally irrational older girl, to wife. And here I sit. That’s as far as I’ve gotten. I feel like I can already BE so many things and maxing out on growth potential has nothing to do with it! When you stop growing, you’re dead.

When I was young, I wanted to be nothing. You may think I jest, but you would be wrong. I. Wanted. To. Be. NOTHING! My mom would say to me, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I would use that exact word: nothing. She asked for clarifications… Musician? Teacher? Stay-at-home Mom?? “No,” I would tell her, “I want to be a bum.”

Until recently, I thought this meant I had no dreams, no direction in life. Now I realize I understood myself perfectly; I just put it wrong. I don’t want to be anything. I don’t want to be nothing. I want to be EVERYTHING! My list doesn’t stop here!! I could live without being emotionally irrational (although I don’t think I get to) but bring on the rest. I plan on using my entire life to make my list of being as long as possible. Next stop: Employed Woman :)

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