Wednesday, April 20

Tracy, I'm in love with you no matter what you weigh!

One of the things I admire most about Miss Turnblad is her positive body image. I don't know about you, but I'm not always so confident about the way I look. Especially when I go shopping. Nothing can put me in a funk quite like trying on outfit after outfit and none of them fitting right. Secret confession: this is why I gave up pants. At some point in high school, I got fed up with the way pants fit my shape and I stopped wearing them. I'm happy to say I haven't owned a pair of jeans since I was a freshman in college!

Shoe shopping, however, is a completely different ballgame. Feet stay the same. No matter how much my body changed, I could always rely on my feet to be small and cute. I didn't have to buy new ones or trash old ones, never squeezed into them or had them falling off, could buy more and more and just collect as many shoes as a girl could own. Until now. Readers, you heard it here first - my feet have betrayed me. They've GROWN and I am not pleased! It's not that I have clown feet or anything. No, I now wear a size 6. Still tiny I realize, but most of my shoes no longer fit, including my wedding shoes :(

My foot next to my husband's - you can tell it's a recent picture because my toes are hanging off the front of this size 5.
The fabulous costume designer for Hairspray, Sydney Roberts, was a little dismayed this weekend when all of the shoes she brought for me were too small. She persevered, however, and I ended up in the snazziest, hot pink heels that have ever graced my traitor feet. I quite legitimately felt like a movie star at RMTC's Gala on Saturday. It was a blast and I could not have been more excited to meet all the incredible people who make that program the amazing success that it is. Not to mention, I finally got to sing with Mitch Dean who will be playing Link this summer! I think the most exhilarating part of it all was that this experience is just the tip of the iceberg for what the next few months will hold. And maybe, over the course of becoming Tracy, I'll forgive my feet.

Good Morning, Baltimore!

Monday, April 11

I'll eat some breakfast...then Change the World

Partially thanks to the wonderful world of Tracy Turnblad, I am over-hauling and completely reorganizing my life. One of the steps in my process was arranging pictures on Facebook. While I was working, I noticed something that shouldn't shock me but that I found disconcerting all the same. A year of my life is missing. I make a lot of jokes about my junior year of college and most people know a little about what happened there, but it wasn't until I was looking through old photos that it really hit me what a mess I'm capable of making.

For those of you who don't know, don't remember, or don't completely understand, I fell into a deep hole of uncertainty during my third year in college. It started some when I was a sophomore but didn't hit hard until October 2007. I still deal with the consequences of my behavior to this day. I would be remiss if I didn't mention that this is one of those instances that I know for certain our Heavenly Father put dear Rushing in my heart for a reason. If not for him, I may not be here to share this with you right now. Now I know that it was BiPolar Disorder that controlled my life.

I felt like a victim everywhere I went. A dark depression caused me to spend almost every evening spiraling into a place that looked so tragic to me, I couldn't come out of it if I wanted - and I didn't want to. Of course I experienced the exhilarating mountains that can be mania, but mine often manifested itself in extreme irritation, even anger. I was positive that everyone despised me and chose to make sure they thought I hated them too. God led me to a school and department with truly loving, charitable people. I lost a lot, but I know many forgave me for much more than I could ever deserve.

This is not to say that all is better. I see these patterns in my relationships even now. Medication helps some, but honestly it's more the knowledge of what's happening and the belief that Jesus can conquer it. This is the reason for my first tattoo: a green ribbon which stands for mental health awareness. I was scared to talk to anyone and even more embarrassed by the fact that I couldn't get a grip on myself. Whether you're depressed, manic, or just confused, please ask for help. I'm lucky that all I lost was one year.