Judging the judgers

Why do we spend so much time making fun of people on the internet?? I truly despise websites like peopleofwalmart that exist for no other reason than to take a snapshot of a human being’s life and ridicule everything we observe out of context. I’m all for a good laugh and sometimes at the expense of complete strangers, but I have to draw the line when it turns into mass-produced, malicious destruction.

 

Each of us has our own standard of living, and I’m talking in all aspects of life here. Think about how stressed out you get over tension within your family or when you break down crying over something like your car breaking down (just me?). Well what about the women who are being horribly beaten in their own homes or men who are fighting in terrifying situations for a country thousands of miles away or children who are dying because they just can’t get enough to eat?

Hardships in my life pale in comparison to that, but I personally don’t believe that it makes my pain any less legitimate. My highest-ranking problem in life right now is that I have no direction in my life. I’m sure there are people who would love to have nothing more to worry about than searching for their purpose (it’s that little flame that lights a fire…) but that’s them, not me. I’ve never experienced what they have and this is my top-level stress. When we’re dealing with something more difficult than anything we’ve had to handle before, people feel hopeless, desperate, and alone. Those feelings could come during the first day of college or the death of someone dear to you or a bloody war outside your window.

I feel like I departed from my original point: We’re all just trying to live our lives the best way we know how. Tons of piercings all over your face? I think those look ugly (and painful!) but you’re more than welcome to it. Pudginess spilling out of a tight shirt and short shorts? Good on you for having more confidence than I could ever possess. Multi-colored hair?? Well, we all know how I feel about that one :) So x out of lamebook and failblog and search for those gems like www.dailysquee.com, www.givesmehope.com, and (my personal favorite) www.postsecret.com. It can make you feel better about yourself and humanity.

Get a room!

My dear, sweet husband wrote a new post and insists I put up his section unaltered. Apologies in advance for all the mushiness that ensues.

This is Rush, not Emily.  Emily wanted me to blog again.  So I will.  I could not think of what to write about, so I will let everyone know just how great she is.  I enjoy Emily's smile.  It is just the best.  And a frown from her breaks my heart.  Her laugh makes me feel like I have everything in the world, while her crying cracks my soul.  I am not the best I could be toward her and I don't see myself improving that much.  She deserves better than I provide.  Emily doesn't think much of herself some days, but she should.  She is great.  I know that.  Sure, she has some issues.  But most of us do.  Emily is not perfect.  But none of you are either.  Emily is wonderful.  She tries so hard, and seems to have fate itself aligned against her sometimes.  I believe in her.  My one wish is that she would too. 

Emily again. Not exactly the post I had in mind but you can see why I think that boy is the most incredible person I've ever met! Maybe we should have written our own vows after all :) I couldn't quite bring myself to post this as is without adding my own thoughts, especially since these go up on my Facebook and Twitter accounts!

I used to say what Rush just did, that fate is aligned against me. I'm sure we've all felt that way at one time or another. It's simply not true, though. There is constantly sin and turmoil all around us and when we start to feel that too heavily, there is only one place to turn. Our Heavenly Father. I've got to admit, I struggle to hear Him, I really do. However, I'm pretty sure that's exactly why he put Rush in my life.

Rush is my guiding light. He makes my world brighter with each passing day. He is the one and only person on this earth that has never once stopped believing in me, including myself. I love listening to him talk about things I couldn't begin to understand, I rejoice when he performs brilliantly on the stage, and I cherish every single second in which he interacts lovingly with other creatures on our planet, whether it's the little ducks all over Disney World or our very own babies, Schnitzel and Luna. Rush is my umbrella to protect me from storms of sorrow. I hope someday I can grow strong enough to be his.

What I want to be when I grow up...

Call me ridiculous, but there was a part of this most recent Twilight movie that I actually thought was quite profound: the graduation speech.  Here’s what the valedictorian said in the movie Eclipse…

When we were five, they asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. Our answers were thing like astronaut, president, or in my case, princess. When we were ten, they asked again and we answered rock star, cowboy, or in my case, gold medalist. But now that we've grown up, they want a serious answer. Well, how about this: who the hell knows?! This isn't the time to make hard and fast decisions; it's time to make mistakes. Take the wrong train and get stuck somewhere chill. Fall in love - a lot. Major in philosophy because there's no way to make a career out of that. Change your mind. Then change it again, because nothing is permanent. So make as many mistakes as you can. That way, someday, when they ask again what we want to be… we won't have to guess. We'll know.

I love it, but I think Jessica’s speech writer missed a crucial point. As far as I’m concerned, the “someday” never comes. When is this supposed moment in your life when you’re suddenly Grown Up and you’re supposed to BE someone?? Maybe it happens for some people, but not me. I have always been someone.

I was born a daughter and a sister. I quickly became an adorable, quiet little kid (there are videos to prove it). Then I was a friend, then an emotionally irrational young girl, then a Christian. I progressed to musician, to new student, to good student, to bad student, to actress, to leader, to child care provider, to director, to college student, to stage manager, to stressed-out individual, to a lost nobody, to somebody rebuilding her life, to emotionally irrational older girl, to wife. And here I sit. That’s as far as I’ve gotten. I feel like I can already BE so many things and maxing out on growth potential has nothing to do with it! When you stop growing, you’re dead.

When I was young, I wanted to be nothing. You may think I jest, but you would be wrong. I. Wanted. To. Be. NOTHING! My mom would say to me, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I would use that exact word: nothing. She asked for clarifications… Musician? Teacher? Stay-at-home Mom?? “No,” I would tell her, “I want to be a bum.”

Until recently, I thought this meant I had no dreams, no direction in life. Now I realize I understood myself perfectly; I just put it wrong. I don’t want to be anything. I don’t want to be nothing. I want to be EVERYTHING! My list doesn’t stop here!! I could live without being emotionally irrational (although I don’t think I get to) but bring on the rest. I plan on using my entire life to make my list of being as long as possible. Next stop: Employed Woman :)

The Sleep-Talker

Update 11/8/10

He hasn't been talking as much lately so I actually tried to create a moment by asking him questions when I knew he was asleep. I asked a couple and he didn't budge. I even poked him a little. No response. So then I decided to say "roll tide" and he finally woke up enough to say it back with his mouth closed, thus "mm mm" and fell back asleep.

I was working on something important (I do my best in the wee hours) and wanted Rush to approve it. I read it aloud and he said it was fine. After about a minute of silence he jerks awake and says What? So I said what and Rush responded "I thought something was true and it wasn't" I tried to get more out of him but he kept saying "I dunno", rolled over and said "Let a man sleep, baby. Let a man sleep!"

I got out of bed because I'd left the cup of water Rush filled up for me too far away to reach. Rush asked where I was going so I told him. He responded "It was the biggest water ever! Shouldn't it be obvious??"

Thought Rush was awake, so I asked him a simple question. He said "huh?" so I repeated it, to which he responded "Wake me up, Garrison!" I said "What??" and he said "Wake me up for the fifth layer!" Then he fell back asleep.

Rush pushed me completely off the bed. I told him to move back over and he said "How can I do that without her noticing?" 

Update 10/13/10

Rush pushed me away from him so I acted hurt and asked him if he loves me. So he says "of course, what do I need to get you." Not what I was expecting but I realized I needed my chapstick so I told him to get that. Without moving an inch, he pauses for a few seconds and then says "Here you go, baby" Needless to say, I got it for myself.

Rush is sleeping and I'm on the computer when, out of the blue, the following exchange takes place...
Rush: Don't worry about the email tonight....
Me: What email?
Rush: John was supposed to send an email. 
Me: About what?
Rush: About our game. 
I was pretty sure he was talking crazy, but I checked our email just in case. Nothing. So I kept asking questions to which Rush kept responding "I don't know" until finally he said, "These are really complicated questions for this late in the day. Can't I just sleep?" 

Me: Did we get Gustav and Schnitzel in here before we closed the door?
Rush: Yes, baby (condescendingly)
Me: Okay, I just wasn't sure...
Rush: We definitely have some of those.
Me: What??
Rush: Grocery bags.
Me: (laughing)
Rush: What?
Me: We were not talking about grocery bags.
Rush: Well, they're there.
Me: Where are the grocery bags, Rush?
Rush: Some in the pantry, some in the food!

Me: It's so hot. I'm dying. 
Rush: Well why isn't the air on? No, wait, it is. I can see it. We're saving money that way. 

Me: What time is the game Saturday? 
Rush: I think it's a hero. 
Me: What? 
Rush: I think it's a hero. You kicked it off and asked me something. 


Update 9/18/10

I was telling Rush how frustrated I am that I can't even get a volunteer job and didn’t realize he was asleep.
Rush: It’ll all be alright
Me: What does that even mean?
Rush: I’m saying, like, maybe you won’t look weird with that shirt on. 

Rush was sound asleep, then lifted his head a bit and said "What does it say over here?" He continued to ask variations on that question while pointing around the room. Then he paused for a few seconds and looked around blearily before saying "There we go" and going back to sleep. 

Update 9/15/10

For the record, I made no noise to wake him up. #sleepinghusband started talking all on his own.

Rush: Would this be better or worse?
Me: What?
Rush: Would this be better or worse?
Me: Would what be better or worse?
Rush: Putting some money down.
Me: Putting some money down on what?
Rush: In what we're doing!
Then I asked him a couple times what he was talking about and he just kept saying I don't know. Finally I asked him if HE thought it would be better or worse to which he incredulously responded "Well, better!'
Cue me laughing until he starts in again...
Rush: My arm hurts.
Me: Why?
Rush: Because of the game.
Me: What game?
Rush: The game on TV.
Me: Which game on TV?
Rush: One of the football games.
Me: Why does that make your arm hurt?
Rush: Well, it doesn't make MY arm hurt... exactly...
I laughed so hard after that one that he actually woke up. The end :)

Luna doesn't like being locked in our bedroom so I let her out. Rush asked urgently if she was gone and I said "Yes, obviously, whyy??" He then says "I think he said that one part to his friend." Dying of laughter at this point, I couldn't respond so Rush said "He's a weirdo!" Once I could breathe again, I asked Rush who he was talking about, to which he replied, "The guy who's a weirdo!"

*****

So, come to find out, my husband talks in his sleep. Granted, it almost always happens after I say something to semi-awaken him. Nevertheless, it is HYSTERICAL! I post them all over Facebook and Twitter but I just spent hours what felt like hours compiling all of the ones I could fine. Enjoy!

Me: I need to go get some wa ter but I'm all twisted in blankets!
Rush: [resignedly and completely serious] Well, let's have a party.

Rush said something unrepeatable and I asked him why, to which he responded "I'm confused and silly"

Rush and I were discussing cat names earlier. I thought of one later and asked if he was awake. He said yes so I said it and then he said a couple other ones. Then he said "The reason I'm not dancing is because it's a slow song." I had no idea he was asleep so that really caught me off guard and I burst out laughing. Then he asked why I was laughing, so I told him he was crazy and he said "I probably said that because of the music [note: the room was silent]. I just wanted to warn people." Later, he rolled over and opened his eyes a little. I asked him if he knew what he said a couple of minutes ago and he said yes. I asked him what it was and he mumbled "Sumthin 'bout football"

Rush mumbled a little so I asked him what he said. Still laying down, without moving an inch, he goes, "Oh. I didn't even realize I had gotten up."

Me: Schnitzel's pushing me off the bed.
Rush: I'm all the way over here.
Me: HE's pushing me!
Rush: Try the nickle festival!!

Finally got the dog off me but he ended up on the floor. I was feeling guilty so Rush said "Schnitzel gets to do plenty of fun, fun things!"

I just coughed and Rush goes "Are you okay??" And I'm like "yeah... I'm fine..." He asks me a couple more times what's wrong and I assure him that everything's okay, I just coughed. He then says "Alright... I'm ...just worried about you... all that pocket welding!"

Rush: Did you find a babysitter?
Me: What?

Rush: Do you want to switch places?
Me: Why?

Rush: I don't know, this might be a better seat.

Schnitzel's in my spot on the bed and I'm trying to move him. I sigh in frustration.

Rush: Yeah, I can't tell when someone's done that or not.

Me: Done what?

Rush: That psychic thing!

Rush: You wanna guess what the package was?
Me: What?
Rush: Do you want to guess what the package was they brought earlier?
Me: What package?
Rush: To play the games with yall.

Me: What games?
Rush: YALL!
Me: Who's yall?
Rush: The players. 

Me: What words would you use to describe Act of Congress?

Rush: I mean, I think it'd be multiple words.

Me: Yeah, like what?

Rush: I don't know, I guess, like kleenex, right?

Must Be Nice

Don’t get me wrong, here. I LOVE being married to such a talented man. I do. But sometimes Rush makes me feel like a dumb, worthless hobo. For example: I have been searching for a job to NO AVAIL for, I dunno, like 7 months? I have sent my resume to almost 50 legitimate openings. At first I was just going for early childhood education but then I got desperate and started applying for desk jobs at salons, cashier jobs at restaurants, and even a traveling balloon artist position (I actually have an interview for that one today… fingers crossed!)

My lovely husband, on the other hand, obviously already has a full-time job. AND YET when he made his first Facebook status update in yyyyyyeeeearssssssss, he INSTANTLY gets an e-mail to our joint account asking him to be in a film! OH MY GOSH!! I swear I’m not bitter.

Endless rant abated, shameless plug ahead – if anyone, anyone at all, has, knows of, or is inventing a job opening that A) I’m qualified for {i.e. no candle-smell tester} and B) I could do every day without slitting my wrists {i.e. no saxophone-sound approver} SEND IT ON! I’ve gotta get out of this apartment and start bringing home some moolah!!

I smell football

This is Rush, not Emily.  Emily wanted me to blog for the first time.  Here I am internet.  And I smell football.  I am an unabashed Alabama fan.  Today is Alabama's first game since winning the national championship and I have tickets.  Woot.  Emily and I will be in the brand new expanded Bryant-Denny stadium which now seats over 100,000.  Not sure of the exact number and don't want to look it up right now.  But that is huge.  It is going to be awesome.  Roll Tide Roll.

-the mighty

The Name Issue

Another repeat that some people may have seen on my Facebook page.

A lot of people have asked. I’ve been called Mrs. B and EmB several times in the past month. I spent about a year signing my new name all over loose pieces of paper to see what it would look like. Anyone who wants to apply that name to me is perfectly welcome because I love the sound of it. I am very happy to be identified as Rush’s wife. I have decided, however, not to make that my official name.

What's the deal with our name changing dilemmas anyway? For some, it's about refusing to conform to a patriarchal system which dictates only women change their names. For others, however, it's about your identity. Our identity. Not everyone feels a strong connection to their name or sees it as a significant part of themselves. Yes, it’s just a name. I realize that. It doesn’t matter that much to everybody. In fact, some people can’t wait to change their names! That’s just not me. Rush and I are partners through and through, but we still have our own histories. We want our names to reflect that.

We were so into the conglomeration thing, which is to create a new name for Rush and me. It would have been perfect for us. But then we got to thinking… To combine our names would be to strip us BOTH of that identity. Rush and I are making a new family now but we still want to be identified with the ones we were a part of for the past couple decades! Rush was named after his grandfather, a man he loved and respected very much. After a lot of thought, he discovered that he would feel disloyal to his family and as if he were dishonoring his grandfather to change his name in any way, shape, or form. As for me, I feel like my name makes me who I am in some ways. My musical family has sometimes been called the Von family. In fact, most of the nicknames I'm called are partly my last name. Neither of us wants to give up the feeling of being part of the families we came from.

So where does that leave us? We toyed around with the idea of taking each other’s last names into ours as 2nd middle names. Again we had to question our motives. We didn’t keep any traditions that we felt were unnecessary or wrong for us in our wedding, so why hold onto them in marriage? Rush isn’t one for jewelry and I love the emerald he gave me a few years ago so we didn’t bother with the symbol of rings at the wedding and Rush will never wear a band. Our love is what matters and our covenant with the Lord. Everything else is tied to this world, this life, and will only last until death do us part. The name thing, it’s just another symbol that we can choose to latch onto or choose to ignore.

We’ve chosen to ignore it.